Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Cucumbers but Were Afraid to Ask

For those of you who found this post via google search and are disappointed that this post is, in fact, actually about cucumbers, I invite you to stay anyway. This tedious post about cucurbitacea might be the vegetable equivalent of a cold shower.

**A note of warning to readers who want to know about the cucumber vegetable, this post contains some graphic photos of cucumbers and is filled with cucumber-related language.

Cucumberus Stercus also know as a turd-looking cucumber

Cucumbers are impolite creatures that will grow anywhere if you don't give them something to climb on.

Cucumber can start growing slowly but when they do start they are a little scary.

Here is my husband about to make the rounds to the neighbors' houses to try and give them cucumber. I told him to not think of returning home until the tray is empty.



Oh, no one complained when we offer them tomatoes. Somehow cucumbers are not received with the same level of enthusiasm. So my husband knocks on doors. We see curtains stir but nobody answers.

I'm thinking we could freeze them until Halloween (the cucumbers, not the neighbors) and give to unsuspecting kids. That and a toothbrush.


I tried my hand at pickling cucumbers but that's only kicking the problem down the road: that means months from now I still will have to EAT CUCUMBERS :(((((

The moral of the story:  Do not plant 12 cucumber plants for a family of 4. Plant 2 and even that might even be too much.